Tuesday, July 28, 2009

No Rinse Shampoo

The other day I was laying next to Alan in his hospital bed and was getting lost in the scenery outside. We were up on the fourth floor and from that vantage point, all I could see outside were tall, towering trees and a sky lit up purple, pink, yellow and orange. If I just focused on the view, I could almost pretend that we were vacationing in a lodge somewhere. I was reading Zeitoun, he was reading nerdy WoW forums, both of us relaxed and quiet. Except for the incessant beeping around us, everything was still. I was waiting for someone to ring a tinkling bell to call us into the grand dining room for dinner when something brought my attention back. It smelled like In N Out. What was that smell? I sat up and looked to my left, a table of Ensures. I looked to my right, an IV stand of fake food dripping into Alan's veins. Where is it coming from? I sat back and inhaled a few times more. It was nice (who doesn't like In N Out?) but offensive at the same time. A few more careful sniffs and I realized what it was. It was Alan's arm pits.

"Is that your arm pits?" I asked incredulously. (How could one's armpits smell like that?)
He leaned his head over, took a whiff, and leaned back. "Yeah," he said, all matter of fact, and then turned back to his reading.
"That's your arm pits?" I repeated, just in case he hadn't understood the situation.
"I know," he said.

I don't know what made me sadder -- the fact that Alan had been in the hospital for so long that small animals had burrowed into his arm pit hairs and proceeded to crack rotten eggs before curling up and dying or the fact that he didn't care that these animals had taken advantage of the free rent.

I couldn't stand to have him smelling sort of like one of my favorite foods and sort of like dead animals, so I ordered in a bucket of soap and a bucket of water and we gave him a sort of bath (which is really the only thing you can call the baths you are allowed inside hospital rooms). The nurses must not have understood the stength of the arm pit smell because they brought us yet another small bottle of Johnson's Head to Toe Baby Wash. Johnson's Head to Toe Baby Wash is fine for washing some people, people that barely smell, people that barely smell so much they smell brand new -- people like babies. But it definitely does not cut it for washing a full grown man. It was the best we could do and it helped a little, which was better than nothing.

Though, in the hospital's defense, to make up for their sorry body wash, they do have an incredible shampoo -- No Rinse Shampoo by CleanLife Products. Hallelujah! Can this stuff lather! And you don't even have to wet your hair first or rinse it out. You just squirt it all over your head, lather it up, then towel dry. It has so impressed me that I've slowly been gathering all the bottles of it I can get my hands on. You know, for those days when you just can't be bothered with those annoying extra steps. Rinsing, towel drying? Psh, who needs them?

15 comments:

Chloe said...

Haha, oh no. Ohhh no. I love In and Out, but yeah- I don't want DH to smell like In and Out. I feel your pain.

I love the way you write and the stories you tell, even though the stories are heartbreakingly real. I just want to reach through the screen and give both you and Alan a hug.

And, of course, maybe some In and Out. :P

Katherine said...

Between the No-rinse shampoo and the Ensure, you're set for life!

Liz Kalina said...

You must get up very early to make your posts! I love being able to reaf them before I go to bed, when other news that happens in my life (parents, friends, work) usually is first thing in the morning for me.

And the no-rise shampoo is sweet. Though I don't know what In N Out is, I have to assume that any smell, beyond daisies and the like, should not be coming from armpits.

Jessie said...

when i was sick for a while i used that no rinse shampoo and was not a fan! especially since i had long hair. i had to use that for about a month. but i'm sure with short guy's hair it's not so bad.

Kerree said...

OK I told you what a schnitzel was, now you have to tell this uniformed Aussie what Ensure is

Carolyn said...

Wow I'm glad to hear the No-Rinse worked for you! When I was in the hospital it just made me look like even more of a greaseball.

2busy said...

Ah! Ensure, the diet of champions..I LOVE "In n out", it is on my list of things to do on my upcoming trip to Cali. (Just don't love it in the armpits.) EWWW!

I'm Kim, by the way said...

Is it wrong that I'm now imagining an underarm deodorant in "cheeseburger" scent?

;)

Jana said...

so his armpits smelled like cheese burgers? huh. I hope you dont eat one and think of armpits. You are such a doll thanks for taking such good care of your man!

WK said...

Didn't get the In n Out reference until I was browsing the comments (I'm from Canada, eh?), but now that I have I'm totally grossed out! Think I'm gonna have to pick me up some No-rinse shampoo though - what a brilliant idea. Stay strong, keep writing!
http://weeklywes.blogspot.com/

ROFLWAFFULL said...

I wish you and Alan all the best,
please feel free to check out my blog,
i just started though (:
www.roflformayor.blogspot.com
thanks (:

Cham said...

Wow - Ensure, No Rinse, a vivid imagitnation of In N Out - you could stock your own bomb shelter! haha

SOL said...

I like how you started out so calm and serious and then the tone switched to funny and lighthearted--you really captured something true about life, as you often do in your writing. You have potential to be a really brilliant writer.

ThankYou said...

Seeing as we don't have "In N Out"s here I at first was imagining some sort of lude adult store product that I'd never heard of. I search and find it's a hamburger joint. Totally different story now...gotcha.
Hopefully he'll be able to get showering again soon. I know after a long camping trip it feels almost sinful to shower once again....I can only imagine after what he's going through. Kudos for him dealing with it and not letting the "funk" get him down.

Sobrina Tung said...

For those who've never had In N Out, it's not an adult toy (haha Thank You, totally made me LOL), but the best "fast food burger" money can buy. I don't even know if I would classify it as fast food. It's so fresh, juicy and tasty -- you must try it if you're ever in California or a nearby state in which it exists. I like mine with both raw and grilled onions and extra tomatoes.

Kerree, you still didn't tell me what a schnitzel is? Ensure is a nutritious drink that is usually for really old people or sick people who can't get all their nutrients from a proper diet. It tastes like a vanilla milkshake (sorta). I'd rather eat real food... like In N Out!

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