It is not so very bad going to the hospital every day, and in fact, I’m starting to see the upside. For instance, last night they brought Alan a tray of food that he wouldn’t touch, and so I got to eat the small bowl of fruit cocktail presented next to the boiled chicken playing dead in a yellow green sauce with peas. I could understand how the chicken in the confusing puddle of sauce might look unappetizing, but come on, how can you say no to grapes, pineapples, pears and apples in a delightful light syrup?
Aside from piquing my culinary interests, we also get to catch up on all the episodes of Cops that have ever been filmed. It seems to be Alan’s neighbor’s favorite show, one that reminds me not to speed in the cars I’ve recently stolen. And that if I ever do get caught, that I should always say that I was just borrowing the car from my girl Nessa. That always seems to throw them off the trail for a bit (Who is this girl Nessa? they will think), long enough at least for me to plan out my next move, which will involve distracting the cops from searching my stolen car. The move will have to be a good one to ensure that they do not search under the front seat where I’ve cleverly stowed my Ziploc baggie full of questionable substances.
We like to harness our pumping adrenaline post Cops and find it does us well to go on long walks together, long walks down long corridors I would not otherwise find myself walking down. One evening we walked down a new unexplored corridor and found the walls plastered with large, laminated case studies with titles such as “Pauci-Immune Glomerulonephritis,” “Forgotten Etiology of Acute Hepatitis” (this one almost conjured up a cute image of a stuffed bunny forgotten at home as its owner and his family packed up and left for vacation), and “Wheat-Dependent Exercise-Induced Anaphylaxis.” There was one that was of extreme interest to me as it involved a Cambodian woman, but even the title was lost on me: “Co-existence of multiple myeloma and amyloidosis with acquired factor X deficiency presenting as GI Bleed.”
Now we’ll often walk this way, and I’ll take a moment or two to stop and gawk at the pictures on the “Forgotten Etiology” poster. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say there is no picture of a bunny anywhere on it.
Those case study posters must have inspired him, because a few days ago Alan showed me a medical article he found via an internet search he did looking for anything/anyone experiencing something similar to him. The doctors had called his case an enigma on Saturday and on Monday he tried telling them about his new theory. His new theory being that he is suffering from opiate withdrawl syndrome mimicking postoperative intestinal obstruction, which was a fine theory except that no one listened until today.
Today I went to visit him on my lunch and found him in bed, his eyes rolling around, not really looking at me. He was looking in sheer amusement at the TV in the side of his bed (there wasn’t one). He kept wanting to get out of bed to go check out what movies were on the coffee table (there weren’t any) and kept wondering where Jon was (he wasn’t there.) The doctors came in and asked me if I thought he was okay. It was one of those questions where you sort of repeat it back to whoever’s asking you, just to make sure you’re hearing things right.
Do I think he’s ok?
But then Alan interrupted, and we all turned to hear what important information he had to share. He said, “Well of course no one would want to pick up Bilbo (his parents Basset Hound) because he’s too heavy.”
Without saying anything, I looked back at the doctors with raised eyebrows to say, “Uh huh, yeah, that’s right. He’s perfectly ok.”