Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Solution To Gaining 30 Pounds

For some reason, on Monday, I really took notice of his face. It's really a lovely face, with angles, color and a straight, almost delicate mouth. Sometimes I think Alan could be a statue. I often ask him if he, too, thinks he could be a statue, but of course, he just laughs and looks down all modest like. On Monday, I saw bags beneath his eyes and I urged him multiple times that day to get some rest, to please, get some rest. I maybe thought that if only he could get some sleep, maybe then his face would fill out in all the places it had become hollow.

Today he told me that a nurse had weighed him and he weighed in at 143 pounds. I nearly fell out of my seat, especially considering that is just a hair more than I would weigh at 5'3" if I ate 2 large pizzas by myself and didn't go to the bathroom the next morning. At 6'1", he has always been on the lean side, but he used to weigh 175 pounds. I wonder how I did not see 30 pounds of him disappear, and I wonder when it happened. Was it over the weekend while I wasn't looking? It was like I saw it, but I didn't really see it. And to hear the number out loud was shocking.

I was still thinking about the missing 30 pounds as I drove to yoga this evening and then as I rolled out my mat and started doing poses. After about 15 minutes of class, something miraculous happened. I found my brain consumed with another worry all together and it was a nice intermission from my usual woes. This time my worry was focused on gas, specifically on how to not pass gas loudly. I always try not to eat gas-causing foods the days I go to yoga, but sometimes I forget, and today it seemed as though I had forgotten to mind those usual suspects.

The moves we were doing today were ones that were putting pressure on my gas-maker. I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew I couldn't hold it in. Everyone knows that if you hold it in, eventually it will erupt out of you and without discretion. It will not care that it is coming out when the class is the quietest. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if farts were not funny and if they did not somehow have the effect of transforming people into 10 year olds. But the truth is, they are funny, incredibly funny, except when it happens to you. Then it is just unfortunate and embarrassing.

You would like to think that a room full of adults would be able to handle themselves upon hearing passed gas, but I know for a fact that certain individuals cannot. Once someone farted a great big fart during a challenging pose. He tried his hardest to act like he hadn't just let one loose, and if you looked at him, you might be inclined to believe him. But Denise and I knew, we had heard it, we were right there. I could feel the wild laughter growing in my belly. I tried so hard to hold it in, but Denise... Denise was a lost cause. Her chest was shaking so violently, I thought she might be having a seizure, which forced me to look at her and start seizing myself. The harder she tried to stop laughing, the harder she laughed and the harder I seized because of course, we didn't want him to know we knew (especially since he was trying to keep it together and all).

I was thinking about all this, when I began thinking about Alan again. And then I thought, Maybe we have it all wrong. Maybe that phrase stitched on pillows -- "laughter is the best medicine" -- should be amended. Maybe it's really "farting is the best medicine" because farts are really the source of a type of laughter that is purely innocent, contagious, uncontrollable and utterly ridiculous.

[p.s. Now that I've mentioned it, it's so going to happen to me next week, isn't it?]

24 comments:

Chloe said...

LOL! Awesome. I despise yoga for that very reason- being the little farty thing that I am, it brings out the worst in me.

Ha ha, literally.

Farting is the best medicine, you are so totally right. In all seriousness, though, I hope your boyfriend gets to feeling better/gaining some weight. If someone told me I had to gain 30 lbs I'd be all, "YAY! I'VE WON THE FREAKING LOTTERY!" but I have a feeling it probably isn't quite that easy for him, huh.

:(

2busy said...

Your post/writing was very interesting. You had/have me so worried about Alan for you, then laughing at the end.

Hope he gets to eating soon. I wouldn't mind losing 30 lbs, but I have it to lose. And, I wouldn't want to be sick to do it. :(

Hang in there.

Jessie said...

that is so funny! sometimes in my classes i totally need to let one loose but try so hard not too!

hopefully alan is able to eat again soon

Kaylie Rose said...

there are days I stay away from the gym for that very reason. i love your blog. even the more emotional entries still find a way to be humorous!

epasen said...

Haha wonderful :) I gotta say I really like to read your posts even thou i've been following only a lil while now. Keep up the nice work.

Emmi from Living with Sclero

Dawn said...

The other day the kids and I were shopping, looking for a swimsuit for DD. An elderly lady walked through the swimsuit section farting with each step she took. Mind you I am always the one to tell the kids that farting is not funny, but I could not help myself. This was seriously funny. She walked on as if nothing had happened but the kids and I were left trying not to make a scene of ourselves laughing.

LKM said...

Good for you for having such self-control. I wish I had been as lucky!!! Only once thank goodness.

Amanda said...

I would much rather fart in public rather than have my stomach make those awful noises it does when air is stuck and moving around in there.....so I say let it fly and own it! :) That's my motto. P.S. I think farting is hilarious and we should all get a good laugh out of it rather than be embarrassed. Loved the post!

ThankYou said...

"Better out than in!" my Mom always says. ;)

SheilaDee said...

I have just started to blog and came across your site. I am enjoying it very much. This one had me in stitches. Excercise of any kind has put me in the same situation at one time or another. :-}

I admire you for your ability to find humor even though some of your life is quite hard for you right now.

I pray for you and your Allen

Rich said...

I agree with "better out than in". I have never understood why people just don't "let 'er rip". It is funny, and sometimes allows you to go outside while the classroom/workplace is airing out! :)

I was sick myself a few years ago, and lost a lot of weight(I also had it to lose), and was getting horribly down about the whole situation. I do not know who originated the phrase, but my wife reminded me of a saying I use quite frequently. "When life hands you lemons, you tell life, I like lemons, what else you got!" And it helped me to get through my situation. Maybe it could help yours as well.

~xokerri said...

i love your blogs. they are always so honest and refreshing. even the 'farting is the best medicine' is awesome. :) you inspire me.

Katie said...

Tears building in my eyes as you describe the changes you've noticed in Alan, and then at the end I'm laughing through tears. Beautiful writing.

Laura Dietrick said...

I found your boyfriends 30 lbs.! They are on my legs, arms, stomach and thighs! They absolutely weren't there last time I checked, so you can tell him not to worry, I am sending them back via UPS in the morning...boy am I relieved!

Miss Red said...

HAHA! i love your blog!

Jana said...

I dont remember the last time I went from crying to absolutely shaking with laughter in like seconds but man I am still just having aftershocks from my fit of laughter!!! and I still have the tears in my eyes for Alan. Youre so strong. Thanks for your blog. It makes my day!

Sobrina Tung said...

Dawn, you made my morning. Laura, you made my night. :D

SK said...

My girlfriends and I had an indulgent lunch one afternoon and ended it with a sweet potato/yam cake at a Korean cafe. We were all so full that we decided we had to go to a yoga class to do something with our bodies! Throughout the 90 minute class my best friend next to me was telling me she had to fart the whole time! Hehe

What you say is so true! The laughter that results from passing gas is one of the funniest of times!

Casey said...

farts are ALWAYS funny. it's inexplicable.

as for weight --- try milkshakes. or try the nicaraguan drink cacao: http://smazzle.blogspot.com/2009/07/nicaraguan-frescos-cacao.html. it mixes in rice flour to add extra calories. yummy!

J.Me. said...

LOL!

Lynz said...

Your blog has touched me. My father died of pancreatic cancer almost 7 years ago and I wish I could explain how much your humor and honesty have helped me cope, even after all these years, it's still hard.

I remember my high school prom-my mom took a picture of me and my dad-he weighed less than I did, he'd lost so much weight.

I pray that Alan will be able to eat soon.

You are doing a marvelous job expressing the many sides of having an ill loved one.

Suzanne Denning said...

Hi, I was blog surfing this eveining & just by chance came across yours. I read a couple of your entries. I think you are a very good writer. (I read a lot so I guess I can be a judge of good writing). You should consider doing some kind of writing. I am sure it would be enjoyed by many.

Reyna said...

LOL!! That was so hilarious! I've never done Yoga, but just imagining what that person went through trying to pretend it wasn't them...lol...no thanks! I'll stick to my workout routine lol. Funny Stuff...

Lyndsay said...

so what happened??!!

were you able to... contain things until the end of class??

(great post by the way!)

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