Sunday, August 2, 2009

Protecting My First Born

How I feel about kids is sort of how I feel about hair plugs or tattoos. They are nice enough, but I
just can't imagine them for myself. My plans for children don't extend beyond the fact that I know, at some point in my life, I will want some. That and that they'll be wearing striped leggings and the mini Crocs I'm saving for them in my closet (just in case Crocs is out of business by then). This is the extent of my motherly instincts. It's strange because it doesn't feel anything like my other life plans, like owning a house; wanting to have kids isn't at all like wanting to own a house.

When I think about owning a house, I imagine eating heirloom tomato salads under tiny white string lights in my backyard (something lovely, something like this), cooking breakfast in a gigantic, warm, open space kitchen and staying up late doing nothing in particular in a cozy living room. I can even imagine the smells, the furniture, the feeling. But when I think about having kids, all that goes through my head is reruns of The Brady Bunch -- kids that aren't mine and a mom who is not me.

It wasn't until last week that I got my first taste of something that may be my emerging motherly instincts. It was after yoga last week when I went over to DJ's to do the usual of eating and drinking of things in their fridge. I parked in the back of their complex, walked the mile or so in the dark to their apartment, and on the way, pulled out my iPhone and started playing Sally's Salon. Half way to their place, I realized with a panic that I was so engrossed time managing her salon, I hadn't been fully aware of my surroundings. Alone and in the dark, wild thoughts started running through my head. Someone could have beaten me up, someone could have kicked me in the shins and tore my car keys out of my hand, someone could have stolen my iPhone.

Then, when leaving work on Friday night, I found my arms over loaded with jackets, books, magazines, a water bottle and on top of all that, my iPhone. I had it all handled until I reached for the car door handle and, horror of horrors, my iPhone tumbled off the pile and skidded across the parking lot. I sucked in a breath so sharp and so fast, I thought a rib might break. My hand shot up to cover my mouth and a fear I had never felt before filled me. I couldn't look, I couldn't bear to see it... was it broken? was it... shattered? And worst of all, was I the cause of that? After regaining some composure, I braved a peek and to my utter relief, it was all in one piece. I picked it up, rubbed the pavement marks off of it's case and kissed it. Then I put it on the passenger seat and promised it I would never let it go like that ever again.

Is this just the start of it? How did you know when you wanted kids? Does something just click on one day?

23 comments:

Eva Gonçalves said...

It might click someday or not... I wouldn't know, 'cause all my life I've had it... still, if for some reason,one day your kid goes out of sight on the beech, or in a supermarcket, I guess you could say the feeling is pretty much the same, only magnifyed a thousand times... try to picture that!!:)

Life of Joy said...

I was never able to envision what it would be like to have children. I am learning as I go and I am not sure I had any natural instincts. I had never even changed a diaper before my first. But they are a lot of fun and I do love them.

The Bug said...

I never had the click - never had a desire to have kids & still don't (good thing, since I'm 45!). I've often wondered what that maternal urge might feel like. My husband probably had a smidgen of it so I'd be nicer to him when he's sick :)

My word verification is "surge" - hmmm - wonder if that means anything?

Shelby said...

Most of my life I have been anti-kids. I love them..but I loooove them a whole lot more when they are not mine. :] I had not ever wanted any, and even told my fiance when we first met that I did not want children and that if he wanted any..I was not the girl for him. :]

Well almost four years later, and 5 days away from my wedding; I am head over heals; for children? For awhile that was all I could think about. I browsed longer than normal in the children section..had dreams that I was pregnant. EVERYTHING!
I have no idea what clicked; but it did. And I now cannot imagine living the rest of my life without a child. :]

Good luck. Love your blog; I read it daily, you should check out mine if you get a chance. :]

Liz said...

Sobrina - I love your blog!! I've been lurking on here for awhile now and oh my gosh, it's great. You're so funny! I don't know if you'll ever want to be a mother, but no worries... you have your iPhone for now.

I'm Kim, by the way said...

An iPhone never empties out your dresser drawers for no apparent reason (at least, I think they don't) so it's not really the same.

On the other hand, an iPhone won't run around in its underwear with a scarf tied around its neck in a cape, promising to save you if monsters invade. (At least, I think they don't.)

I want an iPhone.

The fact that you've bought Crocs for future children, however, is pretty much a guarantee that mothering is in your future. And that the child will hate the Crocs. ;) (My son hated everything I bought pre- and shortly after his birth.)

Jennifer said...

wow your first two paragraphs pretty much sum up the exact same way I feel about kids. I just rely on the fact that I have a while to go and that one day there will be a 'click' -- everything will fall into place. Your blog is wonderful articulate- I just started blogging not too long ago, and its easy to get hooked!

Kyrie said...

I would like to say that you have inspired me to try to stay active in my blogging. I began a new one because of you, and even though I admit to being fresh out of high school, I can tell you now that I want a child already! :) For some, the feeling of wanting a child just comes to you, and for others, it never happens. I have had the feeling of wanting a child for about a year or two now, and even though I am smart enough not to get myself into it until after I get an education, the dreams of having a baby shall always come to mind. :P

ThankYou said...

You can never be prepared for a child. I had visions of what I wanted to teach my child, what I wanted to do with them...man is it different.
For one thing, you can't like anything you own...I mean, you have to be able to do without it and not be attached to it...like your iPhone for example. Because if you love any object that child will probably break it. So, be prepared to loose a lot of sentimental things. You learn that those things don't matter. Your past doesn't matter. That only the life in front of you matters. Even when they yell at you that they hate you and run into their room and slam the doors...that life is yours now.
Children are a mirror of yourself. If you don't love and like your own flaws you won't get along with your kids. They reflect back your own self. Everyone does, but your kids especially. Scary enough?! Lol.

Cham said...

I think today is the day for iPhone posts! (Extranjera's focused on her techy escapade this weekend)

I wish I had one, but I'm a broke@55 college student. haha Skype and Verizon are my mode of vocal communication. Blehh..

Re: KimByTheWay: You should suggest a villain-fighting cape-wearing app to Apple...I'd download it if I had an iPhone. Monsters are serious business.

Giovanna Iorio said...

I have two adorable children (5 and 2, girl and boy)...today Rico ran into the corner of a table and my heart almost stopped, he is asleep now and thank God he only has a purple eye, he looks like a young boxer defeated. My daughter was kissed by two little boys, at the same time, on each cheek and I was behind them, and my heart stopped too.
I don't know what to say, I constantly feel inadequate to be a mother, it is a strange feeling, like having pieces of your body going around without you. I always miss them,and since they are born I am always without them. It has been a hard day, of course it happens, but I wish I could see them always happy and healthy.
I hope your Alan is improving!
Giovanna (Rome)

kate said...

I completely used to think that way too. I gave my current boyfriend kind of a disclaimer that I wasn't so sure about having kids. He seemed really disappointed and said we'd talk about it farther down the road.

one day i was at the mall with my friends and i saw the cutest baby girl wobbling alongside her glowing mother and it was like my aha moment. I decided I did want to have kids, and that it would be ok because that phase of my life is far from happening just yet. but when it comes, I know I'll be ready, even if I'm not right now. I was so excited I saw my boyfriend later that night and told him that someday, I know I'll want to have kids and he just smiled and hugged me. Sometimes the realization of it all is enough for right now. You can totally deal with the future when it's closer.

Katherine said...

Beautiful post...like always.

I always knew that I wanted kids, and I passionately love my two boys. More than anything (although I've never had an iPhone.)

L said...

hahaha that's funny. if you have kids though, i would suggest quickly making sure that your child is okay instead of closing your eyes in fear of the worst. kids require more attention like that :D

Rich said...

I noticed only the ladies had commented, so I shall give a fathers point of view. I did not desire children, they make messes, destroy things, don't listen, etc. Even while my wife was pregnant, I thought "Am I cutout for this?". Well, all of my doubts were erased the first time I heard my daughter cry. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, and when she looked at me, I knew she owned me. At that moment everything I knew, or thought I knew went out the window.

Kerree said...

My first was unplanned. The whole 9 months went by in a daze, as though I were in denial that it was actually happening. But when they pulled him out and gave him to me I knew that this was the best thing that had happened to me and it felt so right. It was the first time I had cried because I was happy. I never understood why people did that before.

Kyrie said...

I am happy to say that my very first post was inspired by your post. :) It would be an honor for you to read it if you ever get the chance.

Sobrina Tung said...

Giovanna, that sounds so beautiful :) I totally went awww when I read that!

ThankYou, that is scary. I'll have to do a lot of self-improvement between now and then haha.

Kate, I think I too have had the realization, but I just can't imagine it -- like at all. haha. It just seems sorta odd to be having kids when I still like eating Lucky Charms for breakfast and when I still look forward to watching The Real World (I know, really bad). But I guess I will just wait and see. It's so interesting to read about how it clicked for some and how it never clicked until the baby was birthed.

Rich, thanks for sharing from a guy's perspective! It sounds like it was a slo-mo moment in the delivery room, the kind you see in movies :)

Kerree, I never knew why people did that either! (But now I cry over everything, what is wrong with me?!). My cousin Denise cried when she went wedding dress shopping; she said she couldn't help it when they put the veil on her. Even though I cry over everything, that is one moment I could definitely not seeing myself crying.

Stellar said...

I can entirely identify...Kids are the most adorable things in the world (with the possible exception of kittens), but imagining myself as a mother is harder than imagining President Obama as a conservative Republican. Almost. Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope that I might eventually discover some sort of motherly instincts stirring in me as well.

Cindy said...

I feel exactly the same way. Although living with my 21-yr-old sister has developed some motherly instincts in me. I even tell her to please clean her room... it's weird. ;-p

J.Me. said...

I've always been a motherly type, being the oldest child...However, I have never dreamed of having kids. All I see are icky messy disobedient little stinkers that are sometimes so wonderful you just want to squeeze and kiss them, but other times, you'd like to 'pretend' you left them at the grocery store. So! Obviously I'm not ready for kids. Haha. I definitely think that I will come to a point in my life when I want some. I do love kids, I'm actually going to be a teacher. I just like giving them back to their rightful owners.

J.Me. said...

P.S. I cry over everything, too. Haha. I think it's normal...?

Kerree said...

It all changes when you have your own J.Me. I didn't care much for kids before I had mine but mine are the cutest, smartest most wonderfulest in the whole world :)

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