Monday, October 26, 2009

Insides

I can't say how I would do it if it were me because I don't think it's something you really know about until it happens to you. It's the same reason why when someone dies, and I want to say something, anything to let them know that I am sad for them and that I wish I could make it better somehow, that I don't say anything at all. But what I do know is that sometimes it feels as if my insides have all changed into different colors and have twisted into warped shapes and sizes.

There was a time in my life when I imagined my insides to be all glistening pink and vibrant reds, but I have spent enough time in hospitals now to know that the fluids coating our guts and intestines and pumping around in our bodies come in a much wider myriad of colors. So now, when I don't feel well, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel like crawling into a small warm, gurgling cave, I picture my insides. My stomach is a dark misshapen burgundy brown, my kidneys forest green and sadly shriveled... And somehow, imagining all these things floating around inside me provides some kind of order, provides a reason for why I feel so off kilter, and somehow this makes me feel a little bit better.

8 comments:

...Seyma... said...

well those kinds of things happen to all of us sometimes.. don't feel alone..

Shaista said...

You write in pictures and colours - and give me ideas about how to deal with my insides :) I have never pictured my troubled organs as being full of a myriad colours, but I think I'm going to try it now...

Heliotrollop: said...

Great post, but I hope you're okay. You write so beautifully, in any case. :)

Sobrina Tung said...

Thanks! I am doing much better today, actually. Nothing a good night's sleep can't help.

Cham said...

I've never thought to consider the "color of my insides." I usually just get so busy that when I do take a second, whatever shade it is hits me and is too overwhelming. I will now think in colors often. And hopefully my face won't get so red.

2busy said...

Chin up, feel better!

J.Me. said...

I'm glad you're feeling better Sobrina. I've come to finally try to catch up on your life! I miss your perspective being a part of my life!

Erin P said...

I like your visulizations. I've always thought in that way too. Hope you're feeling much better now!! You worried me!

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