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A Wedding Lesson: Part Three


After the many months, weeks and days spent researching the difference between embossed, letterpress and engraved invitations, looking for the perfect dress and deciding who of your friends can be most trusted to give a brief and entertaining, yet not terribly embarrassing speech at the reception, all your effort boils down to one big day. Specifically, it comes down to having all these tiny (and not so tiny) details come together perfectly with minimal prompting and micromanaging on your part, all while trying to look your best for impromptu photo ops in your very expensive and non-stain forgiving white dress.

A lot is riding on this day because with the cake itself costing as much as a 10% down payment on a small 2-bedroom home, many people cannot afford a re-do wedding if something does not go to their liking. This pressure, understandably, can be the cause of a great deal of stress. This stress exponentially increases if you decide to have multiple parts and ceremonies in your wedding. But with all this said, know that it can be done.

Here are a few tips and pointers on how to survive your own Cambodian-Japanese-American wedding (if you decide to have one, too.)

1) Let your wedding party wear Aladdin pants at some point during the ceremonies.

Without fail, no matter how nice of a person you think you are or may be, when it comes to how you will behave in your wedding, there is no doubt that you will at times turn into a flame-spitting, two-headed monster. Much of your craziness will be directed at those you claim to love and care about most — those in your wedding party. If you do not disclose your crazy potential from the get go, this may cause bitterness and resentment among those you scream at. Because you don’t have time to apologize to everyone on the big day, you can make up for it with colorful Aladdin pants and you’ll feel the tension just melt away. Just ask yourself this, who doesn’t like wearing poofy pants?!

2) Putting on poofy pants is harder than it looks. Save yourself the time and trouble by hiring someone who puts on Aladdin pants like a pro.

Step 1: Wrap the cloth around yourself. Fold it so that it looks like the picture in step 2.

Step 2: Fold and make a knot.
Step 3: Wrap a piece of string around your waist to keep the pants up.
Step 4: Tie the piece of string in the front, in front of the fold.
Step 5: In your wrapping and folding, the back should look like this.
Step 6: Voila! Poofy pants.

A few tips: The secret to getting the poof just right is wearing shorts underneath. No one will know, and you’ll look all the more poofy because of them.

And of course, there is simply no replacement for giving them a good ol’ fashioned poof now and then.

The best part of the pants is that the excess cloth is twisted up and tucked up in the back and it’s called your tail. No joke.

3) To get your future spouse accustomed to waiting for you, start by having him wait for you in between costume changes or just because. Plus, people like dramatic entrances.

Justin thinking Where the heck is she? Am I supposed to put on my poofy pants now or later?

Justin thinking There you are! I’ve been waiting here for like a whole song now.

4) While he waits, bide your time by doing one of the following:

Bejewel yourself if you haven’t already.

Touch up your make-up.

Or just look smashing.

5) Now that you’ve established with your groom that the party shall not start without you, make sure the rest of the guests are also keyed into this important point. A good way to do this is to organize a small procession, complete with a string band, outside in which all of your guests must participate.

Don’t worry about the neighbors. They deserve to know about your big day, too.
Justin says, “Do I wait for her here or there? And then I give her this fruit?”

And just when the procession is about ready to call it quits from bearing all the fruits and gifts they’re carrying, the bride will appear.
Ta da!

And if she deems the procession adequate, she will accept the fruits and gifts.

6) Do something important together before taking the final plunge. Like getting your hair cut together.

7) Make everyone sit on the floor cross legged so that their legs fall asleep. This is just one those things you do because that’s how it goes.

8) As punishment for making your guests sit uncomfortably for the entire morning, they will throw things at you, and this is their right. You should confer with your future spouse about what grains you would like to have thrown at you. If no grain is agreed upon, the crowd will choose for you.

After throwing things at you, all will be forgiven if you pose like royalty and let everyone take pictures with you.

9) Have someone give you a pep talk to calm any frazzled nerves.

If that doesn’t work, there are other things you can do….

Or forget about the nerves and remember pictures will be coming soon. Remember that you want to have nice ones to show your kids, so re-focus on primping.

10) If, after all this, the wedding is still on, make sure to smile.

Last modified: January 10, 2019