There was a time in my life when Friday nights were spent going out to bars and meeting new people. And one of the best things about going out and meeting new people was the pick up lines. I especially liked the pick up lines that left a slimy residue afterwards, because those were the ones I would rush home to relish with my roommates.

My senior year roommate Keith really liked the response a guy once gave me when I lied about having a boyfriend to get him to go away. He said, “Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean I can’t score.” (Because that is exactly what girls like to hear).

But I suspect I heard the best pick up line ever in the history of Friday night parties at Irene’s. It involved the yellow flower earrings I was wearing and had been wearing ever since I got them the other day. So snazzy yet simple and capable of adding a pop of color around the face. I liked them a lot.

And obviously Mr. Suave liked them too. I could tell right away he probably wanted a pair for himself. He said (and write this one down because I promise it will come in handy some day when you’re trying to pick up on someone), “Your earrings look like big balls of pus stuck to your ears.” And then, after he had delivered that zinger, he sealed the deal with, “I mean, in a good way. Like if I were to smell them I might become infected with something.”

And why, I ask, can’t Alan ever such sweet nothings like that to me?